when it seems darkness prevails...

As I come to the end of my second year of service overseas I am struck by the way the Lord has worked in my life and how he has grown me in such a short period of time. My years leading up until now have certainly been riddled with lessons and purifying trials, but these past few years have been more of a “pressure cooker” experience of lessons. First, in dealing with all of the emotions, struggles and trials of leaving everything I’ve ever know and felt confident doing, as well as the feeling of knowing who I am, and exchanging all of that for a feeling of helplessness, dependence and frustration in not being able to accomplish tasks that even a child in my new culture can do; coming through all of that and finding a place again where I feel normal, where I feel like me again. Then, in this time, also coming to a place where I figure out how to be who I am within this new culture and context. Finally, after all of this, I have to deal with the purifying fire that God has for me to walk through so that He can make me more like Himself. This is where I am finding myself chafing the most.

I feel like I could come through the other challenges still coasting on my own strength. Now, having to walk through the fire I have had to shed my own abilities, my strengths, my education, and my confidence for whole dependence upon God and His plan. This is an area where, although I am usually eager to have God grow and teach me, I am finding myself really feeling the rub of discomfort. God has been assuring me through various means of His control and work in these areas, yet I keep looking back within myself to try and find answers. I analyze and struggle; agonize and hurt; finally I come to a place where I feel like I hit a wall, over and over again. Then I finally let go, and I find that it is only at this juncture that I can finally feel the Holy Spirit begin to lift my burden. It is here where I realize that I am playing the role of Peter, whom Jesus has asked to step out into the water. He is urging me to look at Him and Him only. In all of this I have moments where I lock eyes with Him and feel His strength and assurance, but then I turn my eyes to the waves and the darkness around me and feel myself start to sink. I allow the hopelessness of what I see with my fleshly eyes to dominate my emotions and thoughts and I lose sight of why God has me in this place. Although doubt and faithlessness seem to permeate my life right now, I still hear the Lord’s consistent, loving, accepting voice calling to me, pleading for me to look only at Him and to trust in Him. His voice reminds me that He is in control and is the Healer and continues to do the miraculous today, just as He did in Peter’s time.

The waves in my life right now may be big, and dark and seem insurmountable, but that is exactly where God is shown powerful and more than able. There is no hopelessness in God who is able to do all things for His glory. We trust in the one true God who is able to accomplish far more than we could ever hope or dream. This is the God I serve and in whom I put my trust and hope. He will never let me down. And through putting my hope and trust in Him, I can find the strength to love others and to serve them even when I receive nothing in return. This is why I am here and this is what God wants to teach me through these trials. God is good above all now and forever. And it is in this place where I can actually thank God and praise Him for what is going on in my life. It is amazing how God can make anything beautiful, no matter how bleak it might look. In trusting in Him, I can find rest…