when it seems darkness prevails...

As I come to the end of my second year of service overseas I am struck by the way the Lord has worked in my life and how he has grown me in such a short period of time. My years leading up until now have certainly been riddled with lessons and purifying trials, but these past few years have been more of a “pressure cooker” experience of lessons. First, in dealing with all of the emotions, struggles and trials of leaving everything I’ve ever know and felt confident doing, as well as the feeling of knowing who I am, and exchanging all of that for a feeling of helplessness, dependence and frustration in not being able to accomplish tasks that even a child in my new culture can do; coming through all of that and finding a place again where I feel normal, where I feel like me again. Then, in this time, also coming to a place where I figure out how to be who I am within this new culture and context. Finally, after all of this, I have to deal with the purifying fire that God has for me to walk through so that He can make me more like Himself. This is where I am finding myself chafing the most.

I feel like I could come through the other challenges still coasting on my own strength. Now, having to walk through the fire I have had to shed my own abilities, my strengths, my education, and my confidence for whole dependence upon God and His plan. This is an area where, although I am usually eager to have God grow and teach me, I am finding myself really feeling the rub of discomfort. God has been assuring me through various means of His control and work in these areas, yet I keep looking back within myself to try and find answers. I analyze and struggle; agonize and hurt; finally I come to a place where I feel like I hit a wall, over and over again. Then I finally let go, and I find that it is only at this juncture that I can finally feel the Holy Spirit begin to lift my burden. It is here where I realize that I am playing the role of Peter, whom Jesus has asked to step out into the water. He is urging me to look at Him and Him only. In all of this I have moments where I lock eyes with Him and feel His strength and assurance, but then I turn my eyes to the waves and the darkness around me and feel myself start to sink. I allow the hopelessness of what I see with my fleshly eyes to dominate my emotions and thoughts and I lose sight of why God has me in this place. Although doubt and faithlessness seem to permeate my life right now, I still hear the Lord’s consistent, loving, accepting voice calling to me, pleading for me to look only at Him and to trust in Him. His voice reminds me that He is in control and is the Healer and continues to do the miraculous today, just as He did in Peter’s time.

The waves in my life right now may be big, and dark and seem insurmountable, but that is exactly where God is shown powerful and more than able. There is no hopelessness in God who is able to do all things for His glory. We trust in the one true God who is able to accomplish far more than we could ever hope or dream. This is the God I serve and in whom I put my trust and hope. He will never let me down. And through putting my hope and trust in Him, I can find the strength to love others and to serve them even when I receive nothing in return. This is why I am here and this is what God wants to teach me through these trials. God is good above all now and forever. And it is in this place where I can actually thank God and praise Him for what is going on in my life. It is amazing how God can make anything beautiful, no matter how bleak it might look. In trusting in Him, I can find rest…

A moment in time...

I am currently experiencing a rare moment in the life of a young mother...it is one of those few precious moments when both of my kids are sleeping and I'm not crashing myself! So, I will try to use this time productively and give you a quick update on our life.

I know many would think we were crazy for the amount of things we have taken on over these past couple months, but God is giving us endurance and teaching us contentedness in all that He brings our way. My dad came out to visit for 10 days and we had a wonderful time with him, even getting to drive over to the capitol city of this region and visit with some friends. The spring time here is exceptionally beautiful, so we have also been enjoying lots of time in the mountains on picnics. Also, about two weeks ago we moved to a new house, so we have been working slowly, but steadily on getting our house set up and our family all settled in. Moves are always tough, but setting things up here in a new house really takes the cake! I'll make a long story short by saying that on top of all of the usual things you would expect to set up in a new place, Scott installed a bathtub and a shower! He is quite the handy man!

Zeke and Ethan are doing great. We have lots of energy in our house with Zeke running around! He plays 4 days a week with a friend that lives nearby and he is having to learn a lot about sharing and being kind..BIG lessons for a 2 year old! Ethan is just over 2 months now and we feel like we can see the light at the end of the tunnel with this newborn stage. He is such a sweet little guy and we really enjoy him, but newborns are so tiring! We're looking forward to finding some semblance of a routine once he is sleeping better.

Also, in about a month Scott and I will both be teaching classes as part of a preparatory course for a new university being established in our city. It will be a sort of partnership with our language center and another way to serve this community. I am excited to start teaching and meeting new people. This class will be different than our center classes since it is aimed at late high school aged people, so once again Scott and I will be getting to work with teenagers...a role that we have missed since moving here.

Well, that is all for now since I can hear Zeke starting to wake up! I will do my best to keep you posted as we have lots of exciting things happening over the coming months! Until next time...